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Got to keep the loonies on the path. Not going to happen today, I don’t have it in me. This lunatic longs for the grass… Piss on the job, I could survive without it for it a bit. Made it through many lean times & we’re still here. Pack up the kids, board a plane exit it some place exotic and enjoy life. Dream, live, do something to enact change. Reality then slams in, it’s impossible. Selling the house, uprooting the kids, leaving family behind ~ I couldn’t do it, I’d be lost without Little Hitler when everything was said and done. Stay on the Path. Temporary solution call in sick, call in because the baby is sick, Christ, blame the cat ~ that fur ball that greeted me en route to the bathroom looked especially gruesome, Syd or Lola needed medical attention!… I can’t make it to the office today, This lunatic longs for the grass.. I knew though even the temporary solution only delayed things for 23 hours. The grass is both forbidden and frowned upon. For a moment I was in my own little version of The Wall ~ random scenes coming at me, some a viable option, some not. It was like an acid trip, minus the acid.

Brain Damage
(Roger Waters)

The lunatic is on the grass.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
Got to keep the loonies on the path.

The lunatic is in the hall.
The lunatics are in my hall.
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more.

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.

The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me ’til I’m sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.

“I can’t think of anything to say except…
I think it’s marvelous! HaHaHa!”

I don’t understand how the grass got such a raw deal. There’s a whole world out there full of some completely amazing shit & I am stuck in the Asshole of American feeling like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Conformity forced upon me as I walk the path begrudgingly. Each one of my Monday’s starts the same… how do I get out of doing what I have to do?!? How did this weekend pass with lightning speed?!? Luckily these thoughts run through my head minus Sonny & Cher, that’s a plus. Hearing I got you, Babe ~ at a time like this would cripple me. Was with one man my whole adult life, I never felt like singing about it until right at the end when I had a moment of complete patriotism and sang one powerful verse internally “Let Freedom Ring”. It was the best I have ever sounded if I do say so myself. Roger Waters, David Gilmour had nothing on me.

What I don’t understand and what I am trying to figure out and have been for quite some time… why are some able to walk the path not tempted by the grass? And why I am one of the one’s who needs the grass and constantly has to fight against it to stay on the path? I look back on my life and think yes, as a teenager I was a nightmare, but in the grand scheme of things it could have been worse… certainly those few years didn’t seal my fate. It seems like some folks do more living than I do and to add insult to injury they have the appearance of complete contentment on the path ~ the grass never temps them, maybe it is just a facade, but how is it folks live life happily and never want to leave the path?

Been at “life” now almost 40 years, being kept on the path some will say signifies mental stability. When your inner lunatic hits the grass and doesn’t know enough to return to the path you’ve had a breakdown. I disagree. I think the grass is the fun stuff ~ the daisy chains and laughs. I feel very strongly the path is twofold; the daily things forced upon us that we have to do to survive as well as conditioning to accept these routines as actually living. I just can’t wrap my head around why there isn’t more time for the grass and why the path takes such stringent priority. I think if more credence was given to the importance of the grass, more people would “live”. And for the life of me I do not understand how you can have two unique people, one comes into the world stays on the path the grass doesn’t even entice them ~ the other struggles their whole life to stay on path and ignore the grass. It makes me wonder who has actually lived??? If you have never experienced the grass can you say you have?

It’s Monday and I am both fortunate and unfortunate enough to be on the Path. Daisy chains and laughs would be so very cool. But most can’t have those without prior dedication to the path. Enjoying the grass comes at a tremendous cost. As I drink my 3rd cup of coffee… my inner lunatic has conformed and I will stay on the path all day, all week and most likely for the next 20 some odd years. I’ll walk the path, I’ll go through the motions. Physically I am a slave to the path, mentally though I’ll never walk it. I have children who count on me to do this. I will also always be someone who longs for the grass, as I will never fully believe a person lives until their feet have felt it. I could be very wrong about this, but to truly live I think a person has to experience life off the path. I hope if nothing else as my children have watched me walk the path and they have learned the true importance in the daisy chains and laughs & it’s ok to step off the path upon occasion, as I think it’s vital. Balance… when a person masters that there is no inner lunatic to struggle with. Balance brings inner peace. I wish them balance.


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